#10 Return of the Epidemic!

Guten Tag,
Bonjour,
Hello!

I'm very excited today (When it is 10/11/10... Otherwise the day you read this, I might not actually be all that excited... I hope I will be. It's a very good feeling. But still.) Remember how the creatively marvellous world of the theatre completely and utterly rejected me? Well, guess who's back with chocolate and flowers?

Hold on a minute while I do an "In your FACE, theatre!!" dance. (For your own benefit, I won't subject you to this... Horrific... Sight)

Ok. Now I feel better.

"Hey! I thought you were done with theatre, stupid pig!", is what you're all thinking.

First off, HOW RUDE!

Secondly, yes. But that was only because I thought I had no chance there. I've always kind of dreamed of myself in that setting, and, like I said before, nothing is like that rush. There's just something glamarous about the stage... (Ok. Honestly, all of it is glamar)

How did I convince the theatre teacher to let me back up there? My wonderful charisma, of course!

(Alright, really, it was my mom. In this play, she's an elementary schooler, and since everyone thinks I look like a juvenille play-toy [I have no clue why], then she suggested that she should carry me around during the play. At this, Mrs. Lafferty, the theatre teacher, replied "Perfect!" So, thank you, ma!)

Hopefully, I won't screw it up this time...

Everyone wish me broken limbs!

Signing off,
Yours truly,
Baconbits

#9 Abandonment

Hello friends,


A horrible, horrible thing happened to me today...

Ma, who is supposed to be the person that loves me the most (Excluding, of course, my dear Ruthie), left me home alone. *dun dun DUUUN*

It wasn't much like the movie though, I must admit.

In fact, at first it was really awesome! Free day off of school! Woohoo!

I was on Facebook a couple of hours, then I looked back at this lovely little blog and edited some of it. But I'll tell you one thing; computer browsing gets old FAST. (Especially when you're a small pig that isn't really interested in anything other than Facebook and editing their blog) And it wasn't like I could watch TV either (I'm too short to reach it and I couldn't find the remote).

So, in actuality, I spent the whole day moping around about how my own mother did such a cruel thing to me. I missed her so much, I was ANGRY. I was GLAD that I held her lunch ticket in my belly (Haha! No lunch for Ma!).

Pretty soon, however, my anger turned to sadness.

Was I all alone in this world? Did nobody truly want me? Was I completely worthless and insignificant to the ones I love?

Then I'd get mad again at Ma for making me think these horribly sad and depressing things!

But, it was the strangest thing. As soon as she came back, all those feeling just melted off of me. I was so happy to see her. So happy to have her hug me. So happy to hear her say "I missed you so much!" I couldn't resist an "I missed you too"

It was one of those days Ma would sorrowfully and lovingly call an "It's not easy being green day". (Loosely translating to "You start off hopeful for what the day holds for you and then everything seems to go wrong and once you've lost all hope, you realize how much you really have" ... It's just faster to call it an "It's not easy being green day")

Signing off,
Yours Truly,
Baconbits

#8 Cutlet

Me and Cutlet

Howdy!

So, I have absolutely wonderful news, everyone...

Just today (Unless you are reading this at a time that is not September 26th 2010), I HAD MY FIRST CHILD!!!!

Exciting, isn't it?!? I still can hardly believe it! (Partially because my wife never actually told me she was pregnant... But the details aren't important)

The little beauty is a boy pig. He has polka dots all over him and was named Cutlet (Ha... Ha... Ha... Someone thought that the family tradition of naming pigs after food would be best continued... I'm surprised by how sick some humans can be... [But really I'm ok with it because Ruthie is])

That's all for now (sorry for how ridiculously short this was...)! Bye!

Signing off,
Yours Truly,
Baconbits

#7 Lulu

'Ello!

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys... But don't worry! I'm going to tell everyone (both animal rights supporters and... otherwise...) about a wonderful little story I heard (A story that might persuade you ... otherwise... people to join the side of animal rights).

It starts like this. Once upon a time, (Well, more like a couple years ago) in a faraway castle, (Actually a large city) An elderly woman (whose name I can't currently recall) had a pet that was a pig (A classy animal, if I do say so myself). Her name was Lulu (That is, her pig's name was Lulu... I really need to stop putting parenthesis after every sentence...). But this lady didn't just have Lulu, she also had a critical heart condition.

So, one day, it might not surprise you, that this lady had a heart-attack and couldn't get herself up off the floor. Her dear companion and friend, Lulu, stood by her side faithfully, waiting for her to get better. After about twenty minutes of realizing that pure love, unfortunately, doesn't cure everything, little Lulu made her way out of the apartment and into the busy street to seek help.

The poor thing didn't even know a human language (like I do, obviously) and for a moment stood in silence, desperately trying to formulate a plan to rescue her dying companion (You will never hear me call one of you humans a master, by the way. That is pure animal-ism that makes you humans think you deserve that title in the first place! So, no. I refuse).

Suddenly the answer came to Lulu. She turned on her back and kicked her hooves up in the air, right on the sidewalk. Pretty soon, a man worried for both Lulu's mental and physical well-being took pity on the seemingly confused creature and stopped.

"Uh..." Said the man, "You ok, Piggy?"

Lulu, seeing that she had the man's attention, jolted up and entered the building again. The man followed, assuming the pig he found had no clue where she was going. That was until Lulu, clever little pig, led the man straight to her companions apartment. There, the man saw Lulu's companion needed medical attention STAT (Little hospital lingo doctors and nurses use. It basically means "ASAP, or Right now!, or Immediately unless you're really ok with this person DYING!!!)

So, as you can see, Lulu is a hero. A hero that's a pig...

"Oh. But this story can't possibly be true," you say, "Pigs aren't that smart."

Well, FALSE. a) This IS 100% true and b) Your average pig is actually about as smart as dolphins. (That is, of course, excluding super-genius pigs, like myself)

And on that note, I end this post. Farewell!

Siging off,
Yours Truly,
Baconbits

#6 Suicide Prevention and Aunt Allison's Rehab

Hey everyone!

I've got something important to talk about...

Starting yesterday and going through Saturday, it is National Suicide Prevention month.

"Ok... But I'm not suicidal... Why the heck should I care?", you're all thinking.

Yeah, sure, but you never know who is going through depression. And you never know when they're too afraid to say anything to anyone. And you never know if that day will come when life gets too unbearable for them and they're forever gone from your life...

It's not something I usually think about (cue music: "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"), but I just recently discovered someone (Shall we bring Betty-Bill back?) was severely depressed.

Now, thank god, Betty-Bill got help and she's ok. But what if she hadn't? What if she was gone because nobody addressed her problem? That's what this week is about.

So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to write the word "Love" on one of our fore-arms to spread it. Love, I mean... Uh... the sentence got weird... Someone get music! ("All You Need is Love") Ah... Thank you...

Anyway, onto better news...

Remember my abusive Aunt Allison? Guess what? She is abusive no more!

"Did a heavonly light shine down upon her and change her perspective on life?", you ask?

As usual, you're wrong (No offense, of course...). My mother just dragged to into rehab. Now she's the sweetest little aunt a person could have. She's even giving ma and I matching bracelets! I'm so happy! (Not so much for the bracelet, it's kinda girly, but because my life will be generally safer now...)

That's all for now!

Signing off,
Yours truly,
Baconbits

#5 Swine Flu Returns! The Pig is hit with the show Business Bug!

Hello, everyone!
Sorry it's been so long... I know I promised weekly posts, but somehow I didn't get around to it...

Anyway. I have a lot to talk about now!

First off, last Friday a very interesting thing happened...

As you may or may not know, my mom was in this show called "I Just Wanna Tell Somebody" at her school. And you also might or might not know that this show was coupled, in the performance, with "Dr. Moreau". Now, in "Dr. Moreau", there are numerous beast people. One of these was a Kangaroo who had a pouch in which the actress had originally intended to place a small stuffed Joey (baby kangaroo). Unfortunately, she forgot to bring it.

"I can't believe I left it at home!" The actress (Named Hannah) lamented. Meanwhile, my mother is sitting in the corner cuddling with me, as she tends to do when she gets tired. At this moment, Hannah turns to look at her and notices me in her arms. Her face lit up like she had a thought-bubble with a light bulb in it. Talk about your "Aha!" moments...

So with this turn of events, I was abruptly thrust into the wonderous world of the theatre my mother was so fond of.

Oh, and the exhileration was incredible! Oh course, I was terribly confused... I'd never rehearsed and I had no clue what was going on... But I think that might have added to the thrill!

Anyway, I was a hit! Everyone loved me! And I loved everyone!

Well... Everyone loved me except the one person who I really needed to... (the director)... She had me cut from the show immediately...

And so, as soon as I was brought into it, the world of the theatre chewed me up and spit me out. But, hey. That's show biz.

I'll certainly never regret going on that stage, but, at the same time, the sting of rejection might keep me away from it for good...

And now. On to the really sad news...

Ma and Pa broke up...

"WHAT?!?" I inquired of Ma, "YOU AND DAD ARE GETTING A DIVORCE?!?"

She sighed and said with the slightest hint of frustration in her voice "We were never married, Baconbits..."

Another shock.

"And also, while we're on the subject," She continued lightly "He's not your real father."

My jaw hit the floor (Well, it would have if my mouth weren't sewn together...) She rolled her eyes.

"Don't be so surprised... You're nothing like him..." She scolded softly.

I couldn't argue. This was true. But it's still not something anybody likes to hear...

So... Not a great week so far...

Oh! Another thing! I am going to make a semi-formal request right here, right now to anyone who knows me in real life.

I simply HATE it when you humans try to use me to get to mom! You know what I mean... The "Tell me, or I'll burn the pig" or "If you don't, I'll eat the pig" or the occasional "Mmmmm... Pork Chops..." that you all give my mom!

Ok, so I know you do it because it's effective (Ma is incredibly and sweetly protective of me...), but COME ON! THINK LOGICALLY! Why should I have to pay for whatever mom's done or hasn't done to you?!? It's not fair!!!

So, now I'm semi-formally requesting you all STOP IT so I won't LOSE MY MIND!!!

... Thank you...

Signing off,
Yours Truly,
Baconbits

#4 Secret Aunt!!!

Hey guys! Guess what? My family just grew EVEN LARGER!

Well, you probably could have guessed that from the title...

Still! I have just discovered via my Facebook account that who I had previously considered a close friend to the family is actually my father's sister!!!

How did I not know, you ask? I'm not sure myself... Either I'm really that freakin oblivious, or my family is really that secretive. Choose whichever one you like, cause I certainly don't know...

Her name is Clare. She's the youngest of my aunts and uncles and is a fan of old-fashioned books. (Like, the kind of the books you're forced to read in high school that make no sense to ANYONE. Well, except her and my Mama... They must be some sort of super-genius hybrids...)

As happy as I am to discover she's actually related to me, I also can't help but think that's just what my family needs... Another member... (At least it wasn't Ma that gained ANOTHER sibling, right?)

Oh! also! Something else humiliating happened today! Someone mistook me for a bear.

A BEAR?!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? I NEARLY LOST MY MIND!!! I HATE BEARS!!! THEY'RE SO VISCIOUS AND MEAN AND THEY STEAL HONEY! NOBODY IS GOOD THAT STEALS HONEY, I SAY!!!

*straightens tie* Sorry... I just had to let that out...

But do any of you think I resemble a BEAR?!? Ugh...

Well, I'd better get going.

Signing off,
You're truly,
Baconbits