Saturday, January 1, 2011


Morning, afternoon, or evening!

Today, you all (as my two or three loyal followers should know) should know, is my birthday!

So far, I haven't really gotten any presents... Well, except an especially painful hug from my mother (I think she might have litterally broken my spine this time... Ok, if I had a spine, it would be broken.)

Anyway, I haven't gotten any presents. Is this because everyone is STILL swept away by the winter solstice holidays (Christmas, Hannukah, Ramadan, etc.)? Because that is BEYOND ridiculous!

It's SO ridiculous, in fact, that I've just decided that, when I'm president, I'm going to have a holiday to celebrate my birthday! That way, nobody will forget my birthday!!

... Oh. Wait. That would be president's day, wouldn't it? ... I knew that...

Ok, but maybe I'll be such a great president that I will get my own separate holiday!! We'll call it "BBB Day" (Baconbits' Birthday Day ... And I do realize that it has "day" twice...)

Alright! I've just decided! That's what I will do! Everyone, mark your calenders! You'll be ahead of the crowd!

Signing off,
Yours truly,

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Oh dear... It seems I've been a bad blog keeper... How long has it been since I last added a post? At least a couple months? Oy... Nothing like pork that's gone bad...

Anyway, what brought me back to you all (FINALLY) is that I wanted to tell you guys about an idea I had. You know about how half of the world's problems occur through pure ignorence? Not necassarily people being stupid, just people not knowing any better? Well, do you know what a lot of cultures have in common (ok, the list actually goes on and on besides this one thing I'm about to mention, but this is just the most fun one of them all)? Winter holidays!

So then, I got to thinking... You know how people always say to imagine yourself in other peoples shoes? Well, what if people were to imagine themselves as a part of these different cultures by celebrating not one, not two, but ALL of the major winter holidays?

I got so excited by this idea! What better way to spend time with loved ones than by lighting your menorah next to your Christmas tree (in your burka as you pray to your temple to Brahma and polish your statue of Buddha)? To be a Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Hindu and a Buddist all wrapped in one (Not to mention Frank Costanza's Festivas)! It would be called "The Month of Unity" and everyone would join hands and sing songs of peace and love and joy. The excitement of it was uncontrollable! "I want to start right away!", I thought.

But then someone informed me that Ramadan had already started and I'd ruined it by eating during daylight hours (whoops!) And Hannukah only had one day left... So, basically, I'd already screwed the unity all up...

But it's not too late for next year, right? Will anybody else join me in the challenge of fulfilling this "Day of Unity?" :3

Signing off,
Yours Truly,

Monday, October 11, 2010

#10 Return of the Epidemic!

Guten Tag,

I'm very excited today (When it is 10/11/10... Otherwise the day you read this, I might not actually be all that excited... I hope I will be. It's a very good feeling. But still.) Remember how the creatively marvellous world of the theatre completely and utterly rejected me? Well, guess who's back with chocolate and flowers?

Hold on a minute while I do an "In your FACE, theatre!!" dance. (For your own benefit, I won't subject you to this... Horrific... Sight)

Ok. Now I feel better.

"Hey! I thought you were done with theatre, stupid pig!", is what you're all thinking.

First off, HOW RUDE!

Secondly, yes. But that was only because I thought I had no chance there. I've always kind of dreamed of myself in that setting, and, like I said before, nothing is like that rush. There's just something glamarous about the stage... (Ok. Honestly, all of it is glamar)

How did I convince the theatre teacher to let me back up there? My wonderful charisma, of course!

(Alright, really, it was my mom. In this play, she's an elementary schooler, and since everyone thinks I look like a juvenille play-toy [I have no clue why], then she suggested that she should carry me around during the play. At this, Mrs. Lafferty, the theatre teacher, replied "Perfect!" So, thank you, ma!)

Hopefully, I won't screw it up this time...

Everyone wish me broken limbs!

Signing off,
Yours truly,

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

#9 Abandonment

Hello friends,

A horrible, horrible thing happened to me today...

Ma, who is supposed to be the person that loves me the most (Excluding, of course, my dear Ruthie), left me home alone. *dun dun DUUUN*

It wasn't much like the movie though, I must admit.

In fact, at first it was really awesome! Free day off of school! Woohoo!

I was on Facebook a couple of hours, then I looked back at this lovely little blog and edited some of it. But I'll tell you one thing; computer browsing gets old FAST. (Especially when you're a small pig that isn't really interested in anything other than Facebook and editing their blog) And it wasn't like I could watch TV either (I'm too short to reach it and I couldn't find the remote).

So, in actuality, I spent the whole day moping around about how my own mother did such a cruel thing to me. I missed her so much, I was ANGRY. I was GLAD that I held her lunch ticket in my belly (Haha! No lunch for Ma!).

Pretty soon, however, my anger turned to sadness.

Was I all alone in this world? Did nobody truly want me? Was I completely worthless and insignificant to the ones I love?

Then I'd get mad again at Ma for making me think these horribly sad and depressing things!

But, it was the strangest thing. As soon as she came back, all those feeling just melted off of me. I was so happy to see her. So happy to have her hug me. So happy to hear her say "I missed you so much!" I couldn't resist an "I missed you too"

It was one of those days Ma would sorrowfully and lovingly call an "It's not easy being green day". (Loosely translating to "You start off hopeful for what the day holds for you and then everything seems to go wrong and once you've lost all hope, you realize how much you really have" ... It's just faster to call it an "It's not easy being green day")

Signing off,
Yours Truly,

Sunday, September 26, 2010

#8 Cutlet

Me and Cutlet

So, I have absolutely wonderful news, everyone...

Just today (Unless you are reading this at a time that is not September 26th 2010), I HAD MY FIRST CHILD!!!!

Exciting, isn't it?!? I still can hardly believe it! (Partially because my wife never actually told me she was pregnant... But the details aren't important)

The little beauty is a boy pig. He has polka dots all over him and was named Cutlet (Ha... Ha... Ha... Someone thought that the family tradition of naming pigs after food would be best continued... I'm surprised by how sick some humans can be... [But really I'm ok with it because Ruthie is])

That's all for now (sorry for how ridiculously short this was...)! Bye!

Signing off,
Yours Truly,

Friday, September 24, 2010

#7 Lulu


Sorry it took me so long to get back to you guys... But don't worry! I'm going to tell everyone (both animal rights supporters and... otherwise...) about a wonderful little story I heard (A story that might persuade you ... otherwise... people to join the side of animal rights).

It starts like this. Once upon a time, (Well, more like a couple years ago) in a faraway castle, (Actually a large city) An elderly woman (whose name I can't currently recall) had a pet that was a pig (A classy animal, if I do say so myself). Her name was Lulu (That is, her pig's name was Lulu... I really need to stop putting parenthesis after every sentence...). But this lady didn't just have Lulu, she also had a critical heart condition.

So, one day, it might not surprise you, that this lady had a heart-attack and couldn't get herself up off the floor. Her dear companion and friend, Lulu, stood by her side faithfully, waiting for her to get better. After about twenty minutes of realizing that pure love, unfortunately, doesn't cure everything, little Lulu made her way out of the apartment and into the busy street to seek help.

The poor thing didn't even know a human language (like I do, obviously) and for a moment stood in silence, desperately trying to formulate a plan to rescue her dying companion (You will never hear me call one of you humans a master, by the way. That is pure animal-ism that makes you humans think you deserve that title in the first place! So, no. I refuse).

Suddenly the answer came to Lulu. She turned on her back and kicked her hooves up in the air, right on the sidewalk. Pretty soon, a man worried for both Lulu's mental and physical well-being took pity on the seemingly confused creature and stopped.

"Uh..." Said the man, "You ok, Piggy?"

Lulu, seeing that she had the man's attention, jolted up and entered the building again. The man followed, assuming the pig he found had no clue where she was going. That was until Lulu, clever little pig, led the man straight to her companions apartment. There, the man saw Lulu's companion needed medical attention STAT (Little hospital lingo doctors and nurses use. It basically means "ASAP, or Right now!, or Immediately unless you're really ok with this person DYING!!!)

So, as you can see, Lulu is a hero. A hero that's a pig...

"Oh. But this story can't possibly be true," you say, "Pigs aren't that smart."

Well, FALSE. a) This IS 100% true and b) Your average pig is actually about as smart as dolphins. (That is, of course, excluding super-genius pigs, like myself)

And on that note, I end this post. Farewell!

Siging off,
Yours Truly,

Monday, September 6, 2010

#6 Suicide Prevention and Aunt Allison's Rehab

Hey everyone!

I've got something important to talk about...

Starting yesterday and going through Saturday, it is National Suicide Prevention month.

"Ok... But I'm not suicidal... Why the heck should I care?", you're all thinking.

Yeah, sure, but you never know who is going through depression. And you never know when they're too afraid to say anything to anyone. And you never know if that day will come when life gets too unbearable for them and they're forever gone from your life...

It's not something I usually think about (cue music: "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"), but I just recently discovered someone (Shall we bring Betty-Bill back?) was severely depressed.

Now, thank god, Betty-Bill got help and she's ok. But what if she hadn't? What if she was gone because nobody addressed her problem? That's what this week is about.

So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to write the word "Love" on one of our fore-arms to spread it. Love, I mean... Uh... the sentence got weird... Someone get music! ("All You Need is Love") Ah... Thank you...

Anyway, onto better news...

Remember my abusive Aunt Allison? Guess what? She is abusive no more!

"Did a heavonly light shine down upon her and change her perspective on life?", you ask?

As usual, you're wrong (No offense, of course...). My mother just dragged to into rehab. Now she's the sweetest little aunt a person could have. She's even giving ma and I matching bracelets! I'm so happy! (Not so much for the bracelet, it's kinda girly, but because my life will be generally safer now...)

That's all for now!

Signing off,
Yours truly,